(Dear Evangelicalism, why it’s you and not me.)
Really, I did.
In the past few years it has become increasingly hard to not sever myself from evangelicalism altogether. I spent years swallowing questions and telling myself I just did not believe hard enough. I even told myself that my heart was just deceiving me. After all it was you that taught me my heart was deceitful above all else, was it not? I will be the first to tell you I have been beyond defensive, overly critical, and far too cynical for a 20-something over the last few years but honestly you keep making it hard for me to even want to call myself “a Christian.”
I am just at the place in life where I can not do it anymore. Because if this is the “gospel” we preach, and the lives that are supposed to exemplify “Christ” to the world then officially count me out. The culture wars are exhausting, and I am so tired of trying to make the bible behave the way I think it should, and do not even get me started about how we have seemed so hell bent on making sure God fits into our neat little boxes.
(Our ultra conservative, white blue eyed, gun toting, nationalistic boxes)
Like I said, I tried for years to convince myself that it was really me.
But… In all honesty…
Your “God” is just too small.
Your “God” who seems to be more concerned with your gun rights than innocent lives is just too small of a god for me to worship.
Your “God” that wants me to believe that an mythic poem written to subvert an oppressive empire is the authority on the observable universe instead of the actual observable universe he has created is just too small of a god for me to worship.
Your “God” who is supposed to be the embodiment of love but damns people who have never had the chance of hearing his name to an eternal torture chamber (that makes Auschwitz look like a summer camp) is just too small of a god for me to worship.
Your “God” who is more concerned with upholding white supremacy than working to heal the deeply engraved wounds of racism in the hearts of the marginalized is just too small of a god for me to worship.
Your “God” who is only pro-life when it comes to protesting outside of medical clinics instead of working to end the root causes that drive those in poverty and hopeless situations to abortion clinics is just too small of a god for me to worship.
Your “God” who wants me to take all the parts of the bible literally except those that command me to love my enemies, lay down my weapons, and love the unlovable with out stopping to ask if they are worthy or not is just too small of a god for me to worship.
Your “God” who insisted that the only way he could ever be in humanities presence again was if his wrath was appeased by murdering (happily I may add) his only begotten son is just to small of a god for me to worship.
These are just a handful of my issues with your “God” and if being an Evangelical, or “a Christian” for that matter, means that I have to believe these things then in all regards consider me a proud atheist.
Thankfully the God and Father of Jesus is not this small.