For a little over two years our little family has struggled. We have struggled with our faith, our relationship, our dreams, our hurts and our place on this tiny pale blue dot.
The last year has been especially difficult. Between the loss of three precious family memembers, an ongoing battle with anxiety, sleep deprivation, and just all around strain on the typical areas of life like our relationships, finances, and even our marriage we have been for lack of a better word, absolutely and unbelievably exhausted.
I did not understand.
But during it all I tried to find answers.
I cried ( a lot.)
And You know what? For the most part all of my attempts to get answers from God were met with an overwhelming silence.
We throw up clichés all the time about God hearing our prayers and about how God is always listening. Do not get me wrong, I still fully believe those things but, once upon a time in my faith I would have understood his silence as punishment. As if God was not listening, or maybe just not responding because I was not living up to his standards. Or even maybe so that God was responding but my lack of faith prevented me from hearing. Needless to say, I have grown past such a awful theology like that.
The silence is not punishment.
The silence is not abandonment.
The silence is a blessing.
We can let the Silence drive us away from God or we can let it speak to the deepest parts of us. See, the "silence" has this impeccable way of bringing to light all kinds of things in our hearts that we might not have even known were there. If we will, this silence will reveal more about ourselves and lives than we can imagine. The silence is about God letting us get eveything out on the table. It's about him letting us rip open our chests and pouring out all our frustrations, hurts, and doubts. It's God saying, "Give me eveything you have."
The silencece is about learning to trust.
Learning to let your life be as leaves in the wind of the spirit of God. Knowing that you do not know where the wind comes from, or where it is going but that the only thing needed of you is to trust that the Spirit will carry you wherever it sees fit. Trusting that wherever that is, that it is right where you need to be.
Next week our little family moves to a new home, in a new city, to be a part of a new faith family and work along side them for the cause of the Kingdom of Christ.
We are nervous.
We are scared.
We are excited.
And honestly about 1,000 other kinds of emotions!
I still am not sure I understand all the reasons the last couple of years have been the way they were but I am doing my best to learn what it means to be as leaves in the Holy Wind of God!